Following on from my last post…. What have I been doing this summer then? Well…
I’ve come to the understanding that I’ve got Depression, “medically diagnosed” as of 24 September. I suppose it makes sense cus how else will you explain being angry all the time, making a series of shit decisions, including selling the Langster and more importantly, ending the 5 year relationship with my now ex-girlfriend? Obviously that’s not what caused it, there are other things but definitely quite a chunk to swallow all in one go. Not to mention making endless plans to do things but not actually doing ANY of them. At the time though, in my mind, I was adamant that I was making the right decisions, completely unaware of how these things were really affecting me, and more importantly those around me.
Now I’m not expecting you to feel sorry for me as you read this. There are far worse things that could have happened, but it has made me realise that Depression is a real thing. I like to think I’m quite strong minded and didnt actually give people who suffered with it alot of time of day, unless I got the impression that they were genuinely trying to overcome what they spoke about. I mean I know people who, in my opinion, use it as an excuse to just be shit but having realised this about myself, it’s made me take a few steps back and think that, actually, I have no idea what the next person is going through or experiencing. So who am I to judge the next man? That’s what life’s about I suppose, what you feel and experience is all relevant to your situation!
So do I have regrets? Yep.. I would definitely have done things differently. But at the same time I’m grateful to have learnt this lesson and need to move on.
What have I been up to biek related?
It’s weird, I always thought I would like to have one of each bike to add a bit of variation to what I do i.e. use the peogeot for leisurly beach/bbq runs with (now ex) legf and have a dedicated fast fixed bike for when I’m out with the lads leaving Cardboard George in the distance. You know? I’ve actually finished the peugeot and dont get me wrong it’s pretty damn awesome but not having the quick bike means that I’ve been feeling a bit lost lately (All making sense? haha).
Thinking about it now, the lost feeling is probably more deeply rooted… but that’s what I thought it was. Almost like a realisation, you know?
Right before selling, I got the Lengster to a pretty much perfect stage where the fit was just right and I was more than happy to use it for anything be it ruining my legs up the Purbecks or going slow for ponies through the Forest. So why did I sell it? I dont know, probably cus I’m an idiot and that deeply rooted feeling of lostness was misconstrued for being a desire for variety – all bike focused happiness!
It made me think that finding a steel version of the Lengster was the way forward. I was wrong.
Suppose it ties in with everything I said earlier. I thought I was making the right decisions based on what would make me happy, but that wasn’t really dealing with the issue now was it? Obviously (or maybe not so obviously?) this “persuit of happiness” was all in vain. By focussing on bikes I inadvertently pushed legf (and even some friends) away, not realising that I should have probably tackled the issues that got me to that state in the first place!
That’s another story altogether though and I won’t bother writing about it too much.
The 6 points on my licence, being kicked out of my original living situation unexpectedly, and other family issues… Bikes is what I turned to to get me out of that patch.
Like I said though, dont feel sorry for me. I know people who have gone through much worse, but it’s this realisation that made me realise that I need to appreciate what I have because there’s always someone out there who has even less!
Back on topic though, I have dabbled and given a few bikes on ebay a punt as I get my Graham Weigh built up, and I’ve got rid of all of them already lol. So as you can imagine, and as some of you know, the struggle for my ultimate fixeh continues.
I had a mare though cus I sold the Langster frame on it’s own for a fairly respectable sum and put all the parts up for sale separately on lfgss to make more ‘dollar dollar bills ya’ll’. Thing is, I was so impatient and thought that eBay was probably my next best bet after they’d been for sell for a few weeks. Well… I started them all on .99p auctions and guess what?! Most of them sold for that fucking price. The worst though was my Stronlight Chainring and crankset which sold for £18 including postage.
In hindsight then I probably should have kept the parts to get my Graham pls built up but hey ho. I usually find good bragains on the bay so I guess it was just somebody else’s turn.
Other than that, I’ve been doing a lot more iPhone photography than before. I’ll do a little write up asking your opinions on things and I’ll also be sure to include more happy / vibrant pictures ha. (I just thought the b&w theme was quite fitting with the content. Apologies if you think otherwise.)
As for this post, what have I learnt?
We’re people, and people are vulnerable and weak and have flaws. Pretending that you’re not will most probably cause more harm than good. Communication is important too! But I’m sure most people know this amiright? I’m the only dumbass to only have learnt it now. The hard way!
So that’s what I’ve been up to.
P.s. I hope by now you picked up on my genius titles? Being a two part post, if you swap the titles round it reads “Velo Sur Mer” and “Depressed Summer”, that’s basically what 2014 has been for me.
Onwards and upwards!
“You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.”